Relationship Chronicles: Husband’s Response

Both of you are just as bad as each other

Neither one of you deserves to be my children’s mother

I may have made a big mistake getting married in the first place

But I made an even bigger mistake finding a mistress,

What a complete waste

 

To you my wife, you are like vinegar to the teeth

Over the years you’ve grown bitter

And enjoyed trampling my pride under your feet

 

I was always a man of few words but I loved you the best that I could

Yet you quarrelled, bitched and moaned more than the children ever would

I think you just married me with the aim of making me someone I was not

Unsatisfied with me as your husband and determined to make me miserable, no matter what

 

So you cheated with my bestfriend, a man you secretly admired for years

From ten years of marriage you struggled to close your legs for six of those years

And I might have forgiven that but the children’s paternity I could no longer ignore

So while we argued over DNA tests, I cheated just to even the score

 

So now I am with you my mistress, a woman as abhorrent as the first

My wife may be a complete bitch but you earn the prize for slut of the universe

You’re not upset about being the sidechick, you knew from the start I was married

Yet you enjoyed picking fights, creating drama, keeping me uneasy and constantly worried

 

But I knew I wasn’t the only one and you didn’t work so I was really your meal ticket

Slightly better than a prostitute but not nearly the type to wife, I had a void and you simply filled it

I kept coming back not because of the sex, secret rendezvous or even your ‘so-called’ looks

I was hurt, filled with spite and so I sought comfort in a woman no better than a crook

 

Congratulations on being pregnant but the fan-fare will really start once you find the father

Like I said, I knew I wasn’t the only one so I suggest DNA tests from also Martin, Rick and Arthur

As for giving the child my wife’s name – Susie, that just confirms you are truly psychotic

How does naming my potential daughter after my cheating wife NOT defy reason and logic?

 

I’m glad you both started writing hate letters to each other

You now have something in common to forge your toxic relationship

As for me, I have since moved on to another

And it’s the best decision I’ve made, since we’re practically joined to the hip!

 

So dear wife prepare the divorce papers and get ready to meet me in court

You both should also let me know the DNA results, since there’s the matter of the children to sort

Closing the chapter on you both will bring a fresh new start to my life with Jim

You read it right, I’m out the closet and so much happier because of him

 



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Relationship Chronicles: Sidechick’s Response

You have a goddamn nerve writing me this letter

Had you invested this much effort in your marriage

Then maybe your relationship would have been better

 

I didn’t benefit from your problems

In fact, I didn’t even know you existed

Your husband neglected to mention his house help

When he courted me as a single man and was quite persistent

 

It’s interesting you mention me being his wife

Until I read your letter it never really crossed my mind

But now that I’ve become so important to his life

B*&tch, prepare to be kicked out on your behind

 

You call my time with your husband 5 seconds of fame?

Sweetie, your husband has been pursuing me for five years

You both share several years of history, you claim

Of which you barely managed to keep him happy in the first year

 

I was sympathetic to your plight when I discovered he was married

And I was angry to have discovered that I had become a side-chick

But by now you would have seen my picture, which in his wallet he carried

To know that I’m good-looking enough to keep a man without having to ride his dick

 

You make me relevant? Heifer I’m the reason you’re not homeless

The only reason he goes back to you is when he thinks his chances with me are hopeless

He would have kicked you out by now had it not been for my recent fights with him

So trust when I say your future with him, on a daily basis, grows very dim

 

As for you being a mother to his kids

I’d advise you to get proof before putting that in writing

Your marriage ran into problems when he doubted they were his

When he found your sex messages and discovered how you’ve been lying

 

Oh yes Mother Theresa, I’m more than a distraction

He also confides in me much more than a fraction

So don’t feed me that BS about investing your time and effort

You practically made him a woman, with you wearing the pants and him- the skirt

 

You’re right that I’m not worth a fight

‘Cause with my black belt I’d make your ass into chop suey

As for your vows, that became null and void in hindsight

The minute you chose to have an affair with his friend, Louie

 

So dearest wife, I don’t think I’m better than you

And you’re also mistaken about me being the runner up p*$y

You see tomorrow will take me into the 6th month of my pregnancy

And you know what? We’ve agreed to give HER your name – Susie

 

*Up next, the response of the husband*

 



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What They Didn’t Tell You About Sex – PART 2

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It will NOT be mind-blowing every time

Let’s say that you’re in a long term, steady relationship. You have no doubts about being in love with your partner and your connection with him, on a physical and mental level, is so organic that you are as close as it gets to being a match made in heaven. Despite your ups and downs you’re in it for the long haul. These are optimal conditions for a decent sex life, right? That doesn’t mean that every day you will be hitting cloud 9 or that you will have a sustained, mind-blowing sex life throughout the relationship. Be prepared for unknowingly getting into the routine of ‘doing it’ just because it’s what lovers do. As you become more accustomed to each other, your encounters in the bedroom will often be quick, unimaginative, uncreative and just borderline – pleasant. If you have children, you’d be fortunate the number of times you can have such encounters…………… per month. It’s not the end of the world but knowing this will help you manage expectations.

Sex cannot keep a man

Now I will give props to those women that have their game on point. When it comes to being a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed, you balance both sides of the coin beautifully. You may even have your man wondering how he was so lucky to land himself a ‘refined vixen’ as yourself. However, all the reality TV shows, celebrity gossip and real life scandals are testament to the fact that your stellar bedroom performance isn’t insurance against your man cheating or completely walking away from the relationship. Why, you may ask? It’s because while making love will last from a couple minutes to maybe (if you’re lucky) a few hours, for the remainder of the day, he has to be able to live with you or, at the very least, like your company. As for those men who are just chronic philanderers, regardless of what you do, his infidelity will always be a recurrent problem because that is what he is BENT ON DOING. You cannot change a person anymore than you can predict how long your relationship will last. This brings me to my next point.

Great sex is not the secret behind why a relationship lasts

Whoever credits their relationship’s survival to great sex is severely short-sighted, completely oblivious, putting up an intriguing facade or clearly lying. First of all, even if we may strive for the ideal of great sex always, this is clearly unattainable because we have other life issues to contend with. Furthermore, if you are lucky to do the impossible, great sex is still NOT so powerful an incentive that a cheater will be made faithful and a relationship – made whole. Great sex is not the source of happiness but it is likely to be the by-product of it. It is not love but a form of expressing it. When you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to hold the fort when you’re at your weakest, your strong tower and shield isn’t found between the sheets. A role model for your kids is not situated in the appendage swinging between your man’s legs. Your bills are not paid through your man’s impressive pelvis actions. Your household duties are not done with the help of bedroom antics and the foundations upon which a strong relationship is built does not rest in your earnest moans, groans and sexual rendezvous. Like everything else in this life, really solid relationships take hard work. Why do you think they say you should choose your partner wisely? If the animals do a decent job of choosing more resilient mates through just pure instincts, why can’t we do an even better job at the same task when we were born with both that and common sense?

Your partner is not responsible for your enjoyment of sex

You need to take personal responsibility for how much you enjoy sex. There is no unwritten rule to say that your partner, fling, one night stand etc. is required to make you happy while having sex. Moreover, no man is naturally gifted with the power to stroke you to the point of madness or make you quiver beyond control or have you ride on waves of unending orgasms. Even the person you love will have to learn how to make your body respond in kind. You are giving up a very precious gift during sex and that’s your body. If you are offering such an invaluable treasure, the least you can do is have sex on your terms and make it worth your while. Now with this in mind, you can’t just demand to be loved right because your partner is not Burger King where you can ‘Have it your way’. No, you need to have a bit of finesse about the whole affair but most importantly, you need to understand your body and know what you want. If he’s an attentive and understanding partner then that makes your job ten times easier. If he’s a bull in heat who has no regards for anyone except his own personal desire to be sexually satiated, you have no business with someone like that in bed nor in your life. Broaching the subject and giving cues in bed is not as embarrassing as personally not even having a clue as to what you find sexually satisfying. You will not learn that from the melodramatic actors in porn or hushed whispers from housewives or brash stories from friends. That requires a journey of self-discovery. Take the time to learn from yourself. Once you’ve learnt this much, put your knowledge to good use. I presume that you at least have a couple of years before arthritis, bad eyesight, high blood pressure and heart disease kicks in. Make good use of your time while you’re still pliable and limber.

This concludes Part 2 of this article. Hope it was a good read. Again, please like, comment and subscribe!

Special shout out to Sal, Pratyushbat and Spiritsunshine who took the time to subscribe to my blog. I appreciate it 😉



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What They Didn’t Tell You About Sex

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The Love Novels, Books and Literature LIED

Yep. All those love stories about being swept off your feet by a dashing stallion that had long flowing hair, rugged features, a lean and toned figure, strong and powerful arms, firm and unflinching convictions and verifiable prowess in bed was really a stretch of the imagination compared to reality. In life, what we really contend with are men that are sometimes unkempt; unshaven and bedraggled appearances rather than rugged features; really fat or really skinny body types and even men with low self esteem which, unfortunately, affects their bedroom performance. Add to the fact that an increasing segment of the population is now embracing homosexuality, bisexuality, asexuality etc., our pool of men shrinks by the very second. Therefore, we are not necessarily led to sex by an attraction so fierce that our clothes magically becomes undone or a love so profound that we are swept away in a tide of blissful romance and copulation. No, sometimes it’s just because it is a welcome distraction.

Your first time is not promised to be spectacular

Those of you who are entertaining the idea of joining the ranks of ‘devirgined’ women based on the very biased and often, overrated, views of friends or the deception of porn or your overactive imagination – please, don’t expect much. As a matter of fact, the number of people who enjoyed their first time are rather small in comparison to the majority (a number that grows even smaller if you ignore those that were under the influence of some drug or stimulant at the time). At the very worst your partner, in his inexperience, will fumble with everything, poke the wrong orifice, get over-excited and finish before your clothing even hits the floor. At the other side of the spectrum, your partner may be so experienced that he will have your bedroom turned into an acrobatic or gymnastic arena. Imagine having to try every position and style conceivable as seen in porn and demonstrated through kama sutra, tantric sex, sadomasochism, dominatrix etc. This experience is just as bad since the whole ordeal will be just that – an ordeal.

You may avoid catching STIs/STDs but you can’t avoid catching feelings

Now this is the one that no one cares to elaborate or tell you about. Whilst you’ve done a fantastic job to ensure that you are protected from catching some incurable disease or embarrassing STI, no one tells you that there is nothing on the market to protect you from catching feelings. No one talks about pining after your love interest after the sexual encounter or waiting impatiently at the phone for a message or you perceiving every female in his vicinity as a personal competition or threat to your ‘supposed’ relationship or the misunderstandings attached to whether or not the sex is an automatic confirmation that you’re IN a relationship. No one prepares you for IF you discover that you are the side chick or for when he ignores you or for when he maligns your name in social media or for when he simply disappears. While you have a 99.9% guarantee of being physically protected from any unwanted virus when you use protection, you leave your heart and emotions exposed 100%. So how much peace of mind do you really have when you sleep with someone?

If you want part 2 to this article, please like, comment and subscribe. You won’t be disappointed!



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