Your first and forever bestfriend

know-yourself

Before we were introduced to the world of relationships, friendships, situationships etc., all we knew was ourselves. As a child, there was such a wonderful fascination with the world around us that we were content with projecting our imagination on objects that appealed to our sensory needs. Our sense of touch, smell, sight, hearing and taste were slowly awakened as we delved into a world of novelty and mystery. Since that time, we’ve relished having these experiences alone, never once feeling obligated to explain to the world our reason for being happy yet single and never once fearing the idea of making new discoveries all by ourselves. As we’ve grown, our need for companionship has likewise increased but sometimes at the expense of neglecting our very first and most abiding friend – ourselves. Regardless of what people choose to believe, that friend never leaves us. Those nights when we are left to our own thoughts, those times that we are racked with uncertainty and misgivings, those secret moments when we cry ourselves to sleep, no one else witnesses this except your nearest and dearest – you. We came into this world alone and we shall leave this world alone. Make it so that you leave this life with your bestfriend and not a stranger.

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Why You Got Hurt

why-you-were-hurt

There is no problem in loving others, just so long as you don’t love them at the expense of yourself, at the expense of your happiness and at the expense of your peace of mind. In life, the key to enjoyment and fulfilment is balance. No true love will ever require you to go against what you know is right and it will certainly not accept that you be less than yourself. Make the love you have for yourself be the benchmark for the kind of love you wish to receive from others. True love starts from you. What you accept for yourself is what you will attract from others.

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You May Have Dodged A Bullet!

dodged-the-bullet

Have you realised that doors have started to open ever since you split with your ex? That the windows of opportunity and the wonders of life have started to reveal themselves to you in ways you never witnessed before? Have you noticed that you are beginning to regain your glow, recover your inner strength, recapture your youth and connect with yourself on a level that can only spell trouble for that ex if he should ever come back to your life? Have you noticed that you’ve changed and it is just……………….wonderful! Welcome to the world of freedom my brothers and sisters. You have been set free from the clutches of disappointments, broken promises, mediocrity and settling for less. If you stay in our programme long enough, we guarantee that at the end, you will discover the love that you truly deserve. In your starter pack, you will notice a free guide for not looking back and a free passageway for moving forward. Your enrolment begins today!

 

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Why Does Your Love Look Like Suffering?

love-serving-time

You know those couples all too well. They play the part in portraying a lovely picture of being two peas in a pod, inseparable and so deeply in-tuned with each other. However, once the onlookers are gone and the show is over, they barely even utter a word to each other in private. Another scenario is where you will find one out of the two trying desperately to give the impression of a ‘happy union’ to their ‘audience’ while the other partner is either nowhere to be found or vaguely interested in even being present.

Even further still, you will have the person looking stunning and fresh before the relationship. Yet after a month or two, they appear gaunt, worried and insecure. It’s bad enough when we deceive each other but there is something about deceiving yourself which makes the situation all the more dire. To actively participate in suppressing your own instincts, quieting your inner voice and going against your intuition speaks not only to self-sabotage but also to condemning yourself to perpetual unhappiness in the name of pretense and make-believe. Being in love shouldn’t look like serving time. If it does, time to have a closer look at who the jailer is.

 

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Dear Woman, I’m Not Your Enemy

 

Dear woman I’m not your enemy

And deep down you know that it’s true

Dear woman I’m not your enemy

The only enemy you’re fighting is you

 

Don’t hang on to your man for dear life

When I come into full view

Don’t snarl at me in spite

For something I didn’t even do

 

You seem to believe I am a threat

Just by my sheer existence

And you think your death grip on your man

Will ensure he keeps his distance

But dear woman if you weren’t so consumed

By the figments of your imagination

You’d realise that your dignity

Isn’t even worth an altercation

 

You’d realise that a committed man

Doesn’t require any restraint

And that you playing Sherlock Holmes

Will not keep him a Saint

You’d realise that if you have to resort

To watching his every move

You’re wasting valuable years playing detective

When you could’ve already found a better dude.

 

Dear woman I’m not your enemy

So don’t get angry when you see a sistah dressed up

Don’t start getting loud, outrageous and rude

Or constantly walk pass me to flaunt your stuff

 

We were blessed by God with a gift

More powerful than our good looks

It’s more than what’s between our legs

Or our ability to get into a man’s good books

 

We hold the seeds of great nations

And can determine a better tomorrow

By the children we rear with these hands

And how we encourage through sweat and sorrow

 

Whether it be a leader or the house help

We have the power to assert our presence

To create a tidal wave of change

And leave indelible marks in our absence

 

So I’m not your enemy dear woman

We need not fight each other for attention

I’d rather celebrate what makes us uniquely beautiful

Our grace, our style, our moves, our complexion

 

Dear woman I’m not your enemy

And deep down you know that it’s true

Your fight with me is pointless

‘Cause you’re fighting the very reflection of you



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Signs That Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere

Ladies, we all see and know the tell-tale signs that our relationship will only go so far and no more. I agree that we are flawed individuals so it would be highly disingenuous for us to expect our ideal man to be perfect. However, the issue isn’t being unrealistic in love. The issue is recognising what you can actually live with and there are just some flaws, emotional baggages and character traits that you can’t (and shouldn’t) tolerate. If more women were honest about this and didn’t try to justify their glaring incompatibility with their partner through their need to have companionship, a lot of us would be spared the hurt and pain which inevitably occurs. I will use the scenario between my ex-boyfriend and myself as a guide:

  • No Drive and Ambition

No Ambition

My ex-boyfriend was around 25 yet he still lived with his grandmother, kept company with shady, disrespectful and far from constructive personalities and his level of literacy was questionable but he did well to cover this up with a lot of bravado and macho behaviour. In summary, he was an idiot but I was attracted to his bad-boy persona and it didn’t help that he reminded me a lot of Tu-Pac (which thinking back now, is an insult to the man’s memory). Now as much as I was younger than him and he was the first relationship that I ever had, I was far from naive. I knew from very early that it would be a mistake to have children for this man. Why should I? He wasn’t forward thinking, was both ignorant and arrogant at the same time, had friends that were just as good as enemies and would rather blame his poorly status in life on his childhood rather than make an effort to chart a new destiny. Now there is a difference between holding down the fort for a man that is constantly trying but has hit a rough patch and holding down the fort while your man happily wallows in mediocrity and excuses. That’s where drive and ambition becomes a deal-breaker. I respect a brother who will do what it takes to ensure that his future is not as obscure as his past and that his kids won’t experience what he had to live with. That takes guts and a considerable level of inner strength. The point is, we women need to see a situation for what it truly is. As much as I sound extremely harsh recounting my experience with my ex-boyfriend, unfortunately he did nothing to prove my suspicions wrong.

 

  • He Had A Lot To Say And Nothing To Back It

 Bullshit

Now I know that many women can definitely relate to this. The man has all the talk in the world but nothing to show for it. In my case, my ex not only did better to say the part than do it, he was also notorious for saying he abstained from a particular thing, only to turn around and indulge in it. For instance, in keeping with his bad boy persona, he would often talk (or behave) as if he was fearless and unafraid. However, put against the right person and he would think twice about running his mouth. Also, without prompting, he would say things like he didn’t eat a particular food or he wasn’t keen on a particular drink. Yet, you only had to turn your back for a few seconds and half the thing would be down his gullet. Now, I am not a fan of unnecessary talk. As a matter of fact, I loathe it. I lay more faith in someone’s actions and how this matches up with their words. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t be reliable (or truthful) with the small things, you certainly won’t be reliable (or truthful) with the stuff that really matters. I’m allergic to idle talk and bullshit and it took being with him for me to realise that that was another character trait I would make sure to avoid in future relationships.

 

  • He Was A Social Retard

 thesocialretard_logo

Too many women forget that their man is in many ways a reflection on them. When you bring someone into your life, they not only become your significant other but they also become a part of your wider connection of friends and family. Now my ex-boyfriend was so accustomed to the rough, crude and noisy lot he called friends that he was completely out of his element when around quieter, slightly more refined and decent people. Now it wasn’t that he was unable to get along, he just didn’t care to. His idea of engagement with my friends was to stay glued to his mobile phone and he couldn’t contribute to any conversation meaningfully because he wasn’t accustomed to talking about anything other than sex, fights or neighbourhood scandals. Now don’t get me wrong, you can have a partner that isn’t a people person but he is able to blend in and get along for so long as the interaction lasts. I can appreciate that. However, to be shackled to a man that isn’t even remotely adaptable is quite worrying. Needless to say, I was embarrassed. This could have easily been forgiven but not when this obvious faux pas was also accompanied by a considerable level of arrogance. As if that wasn’t bad enough, one day he also made the mistake to speak ill about a member of my family. Now judging from the tone of this article, you can only imagine the level of dysfunction he had in his family. The point is, all these things are warning signs. It shows a lack of adaptability, a lack of accountability in your own personal development and also a severe lack of humility.  So he quickly graduated from being an unreliable hothead to a complete embarrassment.

 

  • I Didn’t Respect Him

 infinitive_no_respect

With all these factors working against him, let’s just say that I lost respect for him rather quickly. It wasn’t the fact that he was dealt a raw deal in life and was faced with working twice as hard to really accomplish something. It was the fact that he was more comfortable with excuses rather than results. Never once did it occur to him to branch out on his own and live outside of his grandmother’s house. Never once did it occur to him that the friends he was determined to impress weren’t even half as important in the bigger scheme of things. Never once did he attempt to do something worthwhile and valuable for himself. What made it worse was that whilst he had very little to offer, he had a very good idea of what he deserved and what he was entitled to. That was both in regards to what society seemingly ‘owed’ him and what was expected of a woman in a relationship. These were fairly rigid expectations and standards which he very loosely applied (if at all) to himself. So yes, I lost respect for him. The problem is, when you lose respect for a man, it is impossible for this not to manifest itself in the way you speak and behave towards him. I found myself frowning at his feeble attempts at advice. I began to give little regard to what he claimed or said and I was also noticeably very unforgiving every time he would disappoint. In effect, I just grew tired of him. Now, as much as one can sympathise with my attitude, it’s not worth staying in a relationship when you’ve lost respect for your partner. That causes you to sink to a new level of low and vindictiveness and it also slowly replaces whatever pleasantness there may have been with bitterness and resentment. As a matter of fact, lack of respect often provides fertile ground for verbal and physical abuse to develop. I do not subscribe to that simply because I wouldn’t want that for myself. Therefore it was only a matter of time before I eventually ended the relationship altogether.

 

He Cheated

how-to-catch-a-cheater-mistake

The interesting thing about this whole situation was that I was relieved when he confessed to doing this. My ex-boyfriend was a complicated individual. I suspect that he was aware of his shortcomings and that it was only a matter of time before our relationship ran its course but he was the type that refused to let go emotionally and physically once he grew attached. Therefore, I knew that even if I was to highlight the previous points as reasons why the relationship was no longer tenable, in his mind it would not be sufficient grounds to call it quits. This would mean being constantly hounded, bothered and even possibly stalked. So my first break came when I migrated to another country. Even then, out of some sordid sense of loyalty, I kept in touch and didn’t even consider finding someone else. Yet, he slowly started to annoy the hell out of me because even our telephone conversations lacked depth and substance and constantly saw his insecurities come to the surface through his sustained probing about whether or not I found another man. So when I went back home to visit him for the first time since migrating, the minute he confessed to cheating, he was not only shocked by my complete indifference but also by the fact that I found the whole thing hilarious. Thinking back on it, I believe I laughed out of sheer relief. I wanted to break up and he gave me the perfect reason.  Needless to say, by the time the visit was over and I was clear across the border, I politely told him ‘deuces’ and gladly continued with my life. Even after several years of breaking up, he still contacts me at least once a year and a few times managed to track me down on Facebook and Whatsapp. Now, there could be a myriad of reasons why men (and women) cheat and while I can appreciate that at times one or both parties are at fault, I will never accept that this is to be expected from men. All men have a choice and the same sense of duty and loyalty that keeps me faithful are the same things he should bear in mind in order to override his baser instincts. If a man cheats but he is generally a very good man and not a chronic womaniser, then it’s worth really exploring the underlying reasons why he became unfaithful. However, if your man is happy to be the local ‘ram’ in the neighbourhood, sharing his bed with anything in a skirt, please don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can change him. Leave while your pride is still intact and before he robs you of the better part of your life.

 

So there you have it. This list has certainly not been exhausted but any one of these factors is enough to convert a relationship into an ordeal. See your partner for who he/she truly is and be honest with yourself as to whether or not you are able to live with their shortcomings. Do not compromise on your own personal values and do not waste your time trying to change anyone. However, most importantly, make sure that whoever comes into your life is a help and not a hindrance, a blessing and not a curse.



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