I’m Sorry (My Valentine ♥)

I’m sorry for thinking you were more than you appeared to be

I’m sorry for believing you were worth it

I’m sorry for ignoring the asshole tendencies you displayed to me

And I’m sorry for thinking you were more than a piece of sh*t


I’m sorry for thinking you could be the father to my kids

I’m sorry for believing you were marriage material

I’m sorry for not realising that you were actually born with tits

And that you were a bitch under the quiet and trivial


I’m sorry for giving you the benefit of the doubt

I’m sorry I gave you another chance

I’m sorry for not realising that it was only yourself you cared about

I’m sorry that all you ever became was a bad romance


I’m sorry the day that I met you

I’m sorry the time that we shared

I’m sorry that I didn’t find a better screw

I’m sorry I didn’t consider those other men who cared


So a toast to you my nearly-Valentine

We almost made it to February 14

While I’ll be celebrating my freedom over a glass of wine

I know you’ll be jerking off with a jar of vaseline



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Relationship Chronicles: Husband’s Response

Both of you are just as bad as each other

Neither one of you deserves to be my children’s mother

I may have made a big mistake getting married in the first place

But I made an even bigger mistake finding a mistress,

What a complete waste


To you my wife, you are like vinegar to the teeth

Over the years you’ve grown bitter

And enjoyed trampling my pride under your feet


I was always a man of few words but I loved you the best that I could

Yet you quarrelled, bitched and moaned more than the children ever would

I think you just married me with the aim of making me someone I was not

Unsatisfied with me as your husband and determined to make me miserable, no matter what


So you cheated with my bestfriend, a man you secretly admired for years

From ten years of marriage you struggled to close your legs for six of those years

And I might have forgiven that but the children’s paternity I could no longer ignore

So while we argued over DNA tests, I cheated just to even the score


So now I am with you my mistress, a woman as abhorrent as the first

My wife may be a complete bitch but you earn the prize for slut of the universe

You’re not upset about being the sidechick, you knew from the start I was married

Yet you enjoyed picking fights, creating drama, keeping me uneasy and constantly worried


But I knew I wasn’t the only one and you didn’t work so I was really your meal ticket

Slightly better than a prostitute but not nearly the type to wife, I had a void and you simply filled it

I kept coming back not because of the sex, secret rendezvous or even your ‘so-called’ looks

I was hurt, filled with spite and so I sought comfort in a woman no better than a crook


Congratulations on being pregnant but the fan-fare will really start once you find the father

Like I said, I knew I wasn’t the only one so I suggest DNA tests from also Martin, Rick and Arthur

As for giving the child my wife’s name – Susie, that just confirms you are truly psychotic

How does naming my potential daughter after my cheating wife NOT defy reason and logic?


I’m glad you both started writing hate letters to each other

You now have something in common to forge your toxic relationship

As for me, I have since moved on to another

And it’s the best decision I’ve made, since we’re practically joined to the hip!


So dear wife prepare the divorce papers and get ready to meet me in court

You both should also let me know the DNA results, since there’s the matter of the children to sort

Closing the chapter on you both will bring a fresh new start to my life with Jim

You read it right, I’m out the closet and so much happier because of him



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