Relationship Chronicles: Sidechick’s Response

You have a goddamn nerve writing me this letter

Had you invested this much effort in your marriage

Then maybe your relationship would have been better

 

I didn’t benefit from your problems

In fact, I didn’t even know you existed

Your husband neglected to mention his house help

When he courted me as a single man and was quite persistent

 

It’s interesting you mention me being his wife

Until I read your letter it never really crossed my mind

But now that I’ve become so important to his life

B*&tch, prepare to be kicked out on your behind

 

You call my time with your husband 5 seconds of fame?

Sweetie, your husband has been pursuing me for five years

You both share several years of history, you claim

Of which you barely managed to keep him happy in the first year

 

I was sympathetic to your plight when I discovered he was married

And I was angry to have discovered that I had become a side-chick

But by now you would have seen my picture, which in his wallet he carried

To know that I’m good-looking enough to keep a man without having to ride his dick

 

You make me relevant? Heifer I’m the reason you’re not homeless

The only reason he goes back to you is when he thinks his chances with me are hopeless

He would have kicked you out by now had it not been for my recent fights with him

So trust when I say your future with him, on a daily basis, grows very dim

 

As for you being a mother to his kids

I’d advise you to get proof before putting that in writing

Your marriage ran into problems when he doubted they were his

When he found your sex messages and discovered how you’ve been lying

 

Oh yes Mother Theresa, I’m more than a distraction

He also confides in me much more than a fraction

So don’t feed me that BS about investing your time and effort

You practically made him a woman, with you wearing the pants and him- the skirt

 

You’re right that I’m not worth a fight

‘Cause with my black belt I’d make your ass into chop suey

As for your vows, that became null and void in hindsight

The minute you chose to have an affair with his friend, Louie

 

So dearest wife, I don’t think I’m better than you

And you’re also mistaken about me being the runner up p*$y

You see tomorrow will take me into the 6th month of my pregnancy

And you know what? We’ve agreed to give HER your name – Susie

 

*Up next, the response of the husband*

 



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The Fool

I wake up yet another morning

But this time I’m pissed as hell

To have loved a man no better than an idiot

And a fool at that as well

 

Here’s to the man who had a good lady

But thought the grass looked greener on the other side

So finally that chick you lusted after is now your baby

Only to find the b*tch was happily taking you for a ride

 

Here’s to the man who thinks he’s God’s gift to man

And that his woman exists only to cater to him

Unfortunately, your woman didn’t choose to stay forever as planned

So it’s back to the hand jobs and your blowup sex doll – Lynn

 

Here’s to the man who made sport in disrespecting his woman

Highlighting her flaws and constantly pointing out her mistakes

She’s taken what’s left of her pride and moved on to find a better man

Which didn’t take much since anyone was a better pick at any rate

 

Here’s to the man who likes to f*ck up and say he’s sorry

But can’t seem to get his act together or change his ways

This time you’ve done your worst but have already prepped and fine-tuned your apology

Too bad she’s not around to care what your tired-ass has to say

 

But here’s to you my smart yet idiotic friend

Who stumbled across a good woman by accident

She didn’t care to know you but a listening ear she’d lend

Now you’re together and she’s wondering, ‘Wtf happened?’

 

It wasn’t your charm, good looks or financial position

Hell, you barely even had any to begin with

But she saw potential cloaked in your awkward disposition

And fell for the fantasy of what you would become from within

 

But being the dumb individual that you constantly aspire to be

Your ego began to get the best of you

You forgot that it wasn’t too long ago that you could barely find a woman (for free)

But now that you’re taken, you’re now fresh out the box and brand new

 

So you insult the woman you once fiercely vied for

And you disregard all those things that made her happy

You now play the field, work your charm, see how much ladies you can score

Forgetting that she’s the reason why you’ve upgraded and become ‘Mr Lucky’

 

It didn’t take much for her to walk right back out your life

As easily as she walked right into it

Suddenly the good fortune and appeal that fueled your hype

Decided to march out the door with the woman who effortlessly oozed it

 

You see you didn’t do her a favour by being her lover

And she had her own so she certainly didn’t need you either

But like the fool you stopped trying once you won her over

Forgetting she can have her pick of any man and she’s not a pushover

 

So here’s to you the biggest fool of them all

Who had a good woman but couldn’t appreciate that was plenty

Good riddance to your commonsense and reasoning

What am I saying? By the looks of it, you weren’t born with any



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Relationship Chronicles: Letter to the Sidechick

To you my dearest sidechick

I know you’ll smirk when you see this

But let’s see after reading its full contents

If that smile will remain on your face b*tch

 

Thank you for capitalising on my relationship problems

And convincing my partner into thinking you’re the solution

But just like our problems, you too shall pass

And your plans to become the wife is really a delusion

 

Your 5 seconds of fame will never measure up

To the several years of history between us

And though your bedroom acrobatics grants you day and night passes with him

You remain a circus attraction, nothing more than lust

 

You must have struggled significantly to find someone of your own

And had we met under different circumstances, I would have helped if I had known

So I understand that the best you could do was to share a man already promised to another

But you made a terrible mistake to tangle with me who’s not only his wife but to his kids – a mother

 

You forget that you remain relevant so long as we have conflict

That you are the ready outlet for all the pent-up frustration and anger expressed through his dick

That your days are numbered, your allocated time – few in the role you play as his lover

Because the day we get through this rough patch, you’ll be lucky if he even bothers

 

I go through this trouble of setting the record straight

Because he’s a good man and you’re his first (and last) indiscretion

I did not invest my time and energy into this man

So you could benefit simply because it’s your intention

 

I need not fight and get physical with you

Because I know your place is temporary

You are the ‘bad times’ they spoke of when I took my vows

Though you believe you’re living the good times on the contrary

 

Because of you I’m constantly reminded of one thing

Despite the fact that you believe yourself to be better

You will forever remain the runner up p*&sy

As long as this ring remains on my finger

 

*Stay tuned for the side-chick’s response to the wife*

 



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